I still care
by jolexfan
Summary: What happened after 13x01 between Alex and Jo
1. Chapter 1

I still care about you

What might be the longest night of Alex´ life turned into day. He hadn´t slept for more than an hour and felt exhausted. The last 24 hours felt like a dream but it wasn´t. He had beaten up DeLuca near to death and he ended up here – in jail.

„Dr. Karev?" the guard came in. Alex looked up, his whole body was aching. „Somebody paid your caution. You´re free to go." The guard opened the door and looked at him expectingly. Alex stood up and moved slowly. „Who?" he asked. „I don´t know. A woman is waiting for you outside, let´s move.

When he came outside, he was blinded by the sun what only increased his headache. He was looking for Mer, could only be her. Probably he has scared away all other people. Alex walked to the parking lot and hesitated as he saw the car and woman Standing in front of it. That wasn´t Mer.

Jo was shocked when Alex came into her sight. She had expected him to look bad but definetly not that bad. He was pale, dark circles under his eyes, still wearing the blood covered clothes. But the most shocking was the scared and hopeless look in his eyes.

Alex stood still. Jo could imagine dealing with her and their messed up relationship wasn´t on his prority list at the moment. Jo walked towards him. „Meredith paid for you. She wanted to pick you up by herself. But after yesterday the hospital is a total chaos. She is at a board Meeting right now trying to save your ass. So she asked me to catch you."

Alex just looked at her with wide sad sad eyes but didn´t say a word or moved towards the car. „Alex, listen. It´s just a ride of 30 minutes. I will leave you alone once we got home but you can´t stay here. So let´s move." He didn´t say word, it seemed to her like his face had darkened even more at her words but moved in the car.

Jo handed him a coffee-to-go. „Thought you might need some coffee." She didn´t expected him to take it. But to her surprise he grabbed the cup. Jo noticed he only uses his left hand to open the door, to fasten the seat belt, to grab his coffee. While starting to drive she aked casually: „Did anybody check on your hand yesterday? Seems to hurt pretty bad." „Nope it´s nothing." He mumbled and stared out of the window.

„Listen, you are still a surgeon. If you can save your medical license you will need your hands. You have to do an X-Ray." Now Alex stared at her hatefully. „Oh come on Jo, don´t be stupid. Do you really believe I will work as a surgeon ever again?" He turned his look out of the window again. „I don´t know, Alex, and you don´t know either." She sighed.

They stopped at a traffic light. Jo looked at Alex´ hand. It was bloody and totally swollen, his fingers in an akward angle, looking like he couldn´t move them. Out of a sudden Jo stroke his Hand. Even this light touch caused Alex to wince. He looked at her with theese sad eyes and pulled his hand out of her reach. „Whatever, this isn´t your business anymore. You don´t have to care."

Jo started driving again. „No, Alex, no whatever. I still care about you. You ware the man I loved for five years now, my best friend. I don´t know if we can fix us but you will not push my away and destroy your career completly. I do care and because of that you will get an X-Ray. Now." She took the road to Seattle Prespetarian as she could imagine he couldn´t take going to their Hospital right now. In Alex head echoed „After all I still care." He has tried so hard to push her away so she couldn´t be the one leaving him for what he did. And there she was – still at his side at least for the moment.

After a quick check-up Alex´hand turned out to be broken. But they didn´t have to operate. It just needed local anesthetics to fix the broken bones in his Hand. After it they were free to go home.

Jo parked the car right in front of the loft and walked around it to open to door for Alex. Like always he didn´t tolerate the anesthetics well and she was only allowed to take him home by promising she would stay with him for the next 24 hours. Jo offered Alex a hand but he rejected it so she took a step back and let him leave the car on hos own. Alex failed tryping to find his balance so Jo reached his arm to steady him and helped him up the stairs.

In the loft Alex crashed at the couch and closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath. Jo watched him sadly. He screwed up badly. She knew for Alex being a doctor was the most important thing in the world. The thing that helped him escape his creepy childhood, the thing that made him fight his demons everyday. She could only pray he wouldn´t lose his license.

Jo filled a glass with water, caught a muffin and put it on the couch table. She slightly touched his shoulder. „Alex? You have to eat something. The anesthetics will soon stop to work and you can´t take any pain killers without having eaten something."

He opened his eyes slowly. „You can go. Leave me alone. You don´t have to stay with a Monster like me." Alex didn´t want her to leave. But she would. He knew it. And maybe it wouldn´t hurt that much when he caused her to leave instead of being left alone.

„I am not going, Alex. Like I said earlier I still care." He sighed and groaned by sitting up. The numbness in his Hand went off, it hurt like hell. He bagan to shake. Jo put a blanket around his shoulders. „You should eat something, the pain will increase."

„Do you really think a muffin and some pain meds will help?" he screamed. „I am a monster, a monster. I tried so hard to become a good man and I ended up punching a man near to death. A few weeks ago I thought I could get everything I ever wanted, a wife, a Family, a house. But I screwed up like always. You wer completly right in turning me down. I am not a guy, someone should marry. I am a monster. So run. Save yourself!"

Tears came up to Alex´eyes. Jo never saw him so off guard in all theese years. She sat down next to him and pulled the blanket faster around his shoulders. „You are not a monster, Alex. Yeah, to be honest. You have scared the hell out of me. But you are not a monster. You did this because you care. You are the most caring person I know. And please, pretty please, don´t believe that you don´t deserve a wife, a family or a happy life. You deserve. You really derserve."

Alex looked up. His face wetted by his tears. „Are you gonna tell me why you didn´t want to marry me?" Jo sighed „I will, I promise. But I can´t do it now, you need to rest." To her surprise he accepted this and started to eat his muffin.

After eating the Muffin, Alex was less paler but still loked like a ghost. Suddenly he realized he was still blood covered. „I need a shower". Jo nodded „Don´t lock the door, I will get you clean clothes."

„Jo?" Alex looked at her desperatly. „I am so sorry, I really am." „I know, Alex, I am sorry too."

When Jo entered the bathroom Alex struggeld by drying his hair with his injured hand and groaned a little bit. Jo took the towel and helped him. He was standing in front of her, looking at the floor, deep in thoughts but it seemed like he realaxed a little bit by her touch. But as she finished he started to shake again. „I nearly punshed him to dead, I was this close." Jo took his hand. „But you haven´t."

She guided him to bed, made him lay down and handed him some pills. He took them without asking. „You have to sleep Alex. Your body needs the rest and you can´t do anything about what happened at the moment."

„Do you think we still have a chance Jo?" he asked quietly. „I´ll stay with you for the night Alex. In case you need anything." „Why? Why would you do that for me?" „Shut up, why wouldn´t I?"

She placed a kiss on his forehead as he closed his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to the tranquilizers Jo has given him with the pain killers Alex fell asleep quickly. The tension of the last 36 hours went off and his breath equaled.

Jo couldn´t take her eyes off of him. There he was – peacefully sleeping. She has often watched him sleeping in the last five years. Only when he was sleeping he seemed to be fully relaxed. Well most of the time he seemed to be fully relaxed, there still were many nights when the nightmares made timidly him toss and turn in bed.

She has always known that Alex has his struggles concerning his creepy childhood or the crazy shit he went through with his women but he barely talked about it and Jo didn´t want to push him anymore. She tried to make Alex face his demons once when his dad came to the hospital and it turned out to be total hell for both of them. Alex has locked up his pain very well in the last years and Jo could only imagine what was running through his mind sometimes. Right now she regretted badly she had never asked more.

There had to be a reason for Alex´ overreaction when he saw her with DeLuca. He nearly punshed this guy to death and she hoped there was a really god reason for losing his mind completly. One reason that – like Meredith said earlier – doesen´t make him a monster. Sure he wanted to protect her but like this? This wasn´t sweet or romantic or anything but brutal and scary.

Jo knew men like this very well. Her husband was like this and when she flew from him once she made a promise to herself she would never ever again let something like this happen to her.

DeLuca said it „You could pick better guys." She has heard that before and here she was trying to find excuses for Alex´ violence. Like in older days she tried to find excuses for Sam. Jo didn´t want to compare Alex to Sam but she had to admit that she has seen some moves of Sam in Alex last night. And admitting this was cruel for her but in some way she felt like she couldn´t forgive Alex.

But he still was the same Alex like last week, wasn´t he? Memories of their good, of their best times were flashing through her mind. The both of them laughing on his couch, stealing donuts from the nurses, operating together, Alex hopping towards her willing to make a baby, Alex holding her tight in the middle of the night, Alex kissing her goodbye in the hospital at morning. A warm feeling flooded her body. She cares so much about him, she would stand by his side. But still she couldn´t say whether she was able to forgive him.

But maybe it wouldn´t matter if she was able to forgive him? Probably he won´t forgive her either after she had told him the trueth. How could everything go so terribly wrong?

Alex was still sleeping so Jo decided to call Meredith. He would need someone after her she had told him the trueth. And after all Meredith was still his person, probably the only one he would allow to stay with him.

Jo felt sick as she listened to the free tone of her mobile. Meredith would hate her for what she was going to do to Alex and she has every right to do so.

„Wilson?" Meredith answered her phone, „What is with Alex? Is he allright?

„He is sleeping right now, has broken his Hand. I´ve given him some tranquilizers so could rest a few hours. But he should wake up soon. Dr. Grey? You have to do me a huge favor.

„What is it Wilson? Just tell me."

Jo sighed, it was time to start with the trueth. „I have promised Alex to give him a reason for not marrying him. I know the timing sucks but I guess I can´t put him off any longer. But after I´ve told him he gonna need someone. Someone who will stay, someone to know how to take him, someone who can manage his temper. Can you do this for me, for him ?"

„When do you want me to be there Jo?"

„May I text you after we have talked?"

„Sure. And Jo? Please don´t make it to hard for him."

After the call Jo felt terrible, she was going to cut Alex´ heart into pieces. He had to feel completly betrayeld and he was so damn right. But what should she have done? Alex nearly killed DeLuca for nothing. She didn´t want to imagine what would have happened if she had told him she had been running from a brutal husband.

Jo watched Alex slowly waking up. He winced and groaned, obviously still in pain. „Oh Alex" she sighed. Seeing him like this broke her heart and she was going to mess up his whole life, everything he was sure of, in a few minutes.

His lost look went through the loft. When she came into his sight he smiled weakly. „You stayed."

„I pomised it, Alex. How is the hand?"

„Hurts like hell."

Jo grabbed some meds and closed the distance between them. „Take these. Should help soon."

Alex took the pills and watched her carefully. „What happened when I was asleep? Something with DeLuca? Jo, tell me." He panicked.

Jo could feel the tears rise in her eyes „No Alex. DeLuca is stable. Nothing happened while you were sleeping. But…" she stopped.

„What, Jo, what? Just tell me, I can take it. Have the police called?"

„No, Alex. You deserve to know the reason why I can´t marry you. I should have told you years ago when you proposed for the first time. But I was afraid you would lose Control, I was afraid you couldn´t take it. To honest I still am."

Alex felt like she was sticking knives in his stomach. „Years ago" echoed in his head. Must mean she never was willing to marry you. He could hear himself gaspe. The world start to go spinning around him.

„Alex, I need yoo to understand all I did was trying to protect you. Because I care about you." She wasn´t sure whether her words reached him. He started to shake and she would have given everything to put a blanket around him and to whisper into his that it was going to be allright.

„I can´t marry you because I am already married. I run from my husband years ago. I didn´t ask for a divorce because I was afraid he would find me. My husband is criminal and I can´t ask for divorce. That´s the reason why I turned you down."

Alex went pale. His eyes were empty, he looked completly lost.

„Why" he whispered. „Why didn´t you say anything? Anything in all those years?"

„I couldn´t Alex. You would have tried to protect me. You would have killed him probably for what he did to me and I didn´t want you to end up like this. Nobody knew it."

„You wanted to protect me Jo? And, and so you decided I don´t have a right to know? We were together Jo. I wanted to share te rest of my life with you and you decided to protect me and lied to me about your whole life? About everything?! You must be kidding me!"

Alex looked at her with anger, with pain, with desperation. And Jo could understand all of it.

„You´ve given me hope Jo. You always said you were not ready. I had hope that one day you will be ready, one day we will have a family. One day hell will be behind me. But instead of that you bought me a ticket right back." Alex turned away from her and stared at the wall.

„I know, Alex. And I am so sorry. I can just say I did it because I care." She tried to touch his shoulder but he pulled himself out of her reach.

„You lied to me. You know I can´t stand lies. And you lied to me about everything." He choked. „Leave me alone!"

Jo sighed she had seen it coming, so she grabbed her bag and leave the loft. In front of the door she texted „He needs you" to Meredith.

After five minutes Meredith opened the door with the key Jo had handed her downstairs. She has already heard the noise when she came up the stairs. When she entered the loft she found Alex in total rage throwing glasses and plates against the wall.

„Alex, stop it!" she screamed.


End file.
